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Archive for the ‘Christian Jokes’ Category

Ronald Reagan and the King James Bible

Posted by Chris Cline on July 23, 2008

The following transcript is one of Ronald Reagan’s famous radio addresses. In this address (which aired September 6, 1977), Ronald Reagan, the great orator, eloquently gives his thoughts on the “Good News Bible” (also called the Good News for Modern Man and Today’s English Version) in comparison to the Authorized Version or the King James Bible.



What would you say if someone decided Shakespeare’s plays, Charles Dicken’s novels, or the music of Beethoven could be rewritten & improved?

I’ll be right back. . .

Writing in the journal “The Alternative”, Richard Hanser, author of The Law & the Prophets and Jesus: What Manner of Man Is This?, has called attention to something that is more than a little mind boggling. It is my understanding that the Bible (both the Old & New Testaments) has been the best selling book in the entire history of printing.

Now another attempt has been made to improve it. I say another because there have been several fairly recent efforts to quote “make the Bible more readable & understandable” unquote. But as Mr. Hanser so eloquently says, “For more than 3 1/2 centuries, its language and its images, have penetrated more deeply into the general culture of the English speaking world, and been more dearly treasured, than anything else ever put on paper.” He then quotes the irreverent H. L. Mencken, who spoke of it as purely a literary work and said it was, “probably the most beautiful piece of writing in any language.”

They were, of course, speaking of The Authorized Version, the one that came into being when the England of King James was scoured for translators & scholars. It was a time when the English language had reached it’s peak of richness & beauty.

Now we are to have The Good News Bible which will be in, “the natural English of everyday adult conversation.” I’m sure the scholars and clergymen supervised by the American Bible Society were sincerely imbued with the thought that they were taking religion to the people with their Good News Bible, but I can’t help feeling we should instead be taking the people to religion and lifting them with the beauty of language that has outlived the centuries.

 Mr. Hanser has quoted from both the St. James Version & the Good News Bible some well known passages for us to compare. A few thousand years ago Job said “How forcible are right words!” [Job 6:25] The new translators have him saying “Honest words are convincing.” That’s only for openers. There is the passage [Eccl. 1:18], “For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow”. Is it really an improvement to say instead, “The wiser you are, the more worries you have; the more you know the more it hurts.”

In the New Testament, in Mathew, we read “The voice of the one crying in the wilderness. Prepare ye the way.” [Matthew 3:3] The Good News version translates that, “Someone is shouting in the desert. Get the road ready.” It sounds like a straw boss announcing lunch hour is over.

The hauntingly beautiful 23rd Psalm is the same in both versions, for a few words, “The Lord is my shepherd” but instead of continuing “I shall not want” we are supposed to say “I have everything I need.”

The Christmas story has undergone some modernizing but one can hardly call it improved. The wondrous words “Fear not: for; behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy” has become, “Don’t be afraid! I am here with good news for you.”

The sponsors of the Good News version boast that their Bible is as readable as the daily paper – and so it is. But do readers of the daily news find themselves moved to wonder, “at the gracious words which proceeded out of his mouth”? Mr. Hanser suggests that sadly the “tinkering & general horsing around with the sacred texts will no doubt continue” as pious drudges try to get it right. “It will not dawn on them that it has already been gotten right.”

This is Ronald Reagan. Thanks for listening.

 — aired September 6, 1977


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Another Joke

Posted by Chris Cline on February 9, 2008

island-custom.jpgThere were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, “We’re going to die! We’re going to die! There’s no food! No water! We’re going to Die!” The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. “Don’t you understand?!? We’re going to die!!” The second man replied, “You don’t understand, I make $100,000 a week.” The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, “What difference does that make?!? We’re on an island with no food and no water! We’re going to DIE!!!” The second man answered, “You just don’t get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!”

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A Little Joke For You All.

Posted by Chris Cline on February 6, 2008

preach.jpgA small country church was searching for a new pastor to carry on for their pastor who was retiring.

After reviewing several resumes they had narrowed down their choice to a pastor who seemed to be perfect for their tiny congregation. so they visited the prospective pastor at his current church.

That morning he delivered his sermon in just five minutes! The deacons were impressed that he was able to be so quick and precise with the message. Pleased with this they invited the prospective pastor to preach at their church so the entire congregation could meet him. He preached his “evaluation” sermon in just under twelve minutes! The deacons decided that very day that this was indeed the man that God had chosen for them. Quick, precise, right to the point and right to lunch. The new pastor received a unanimous call.

On his first Sunday at his new church the pastor arrived a little late. He took his place in the pulpit and apologized for his tardiness. At once he commenced his sermon. TWO HOURS later he concluded his sermon. This concerned the deacons and they called the pastor in to a closed meeting that evening.

“When we visited you at your previous church you preached for 5 minutes. When you preached for us here as a visiting pastor you preached for 12 minutes. Now that you are our new pastor you preached for TWO HOURS. Why? What is different?”

The pastor considered their question and responded. “When you visited me at my old church I had just had several teeth pulled in preparation to get dentures. My mouth was very sore and 5 minutes was all I could do. When I visited here and preached I had just gotten my new dentures and was trying to adjust to them. 12 minutes was all I could stand. This morning I awoke late. In my rush to get to church I accidentally put in my wifes’ dentures instead of my own.”

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